Dear Adina,
My 3 year old daughter announced in front of the whole extended family that she hates Grandma. It was mortifying! We did not know what to do and I think we handled it inappropriately. We yelled, accused and shamed her. When the smoke cleared, everyone felt awful. What would have been a good way to handle the situation?
This question is great, because it just so happens that I am in the midst of facilitating a “How To Talk” workshop at a local school in Cleveland. “I hate Grandma” is one of the classic examples that Faber and Mazlish use in their book “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen” and the official workshop. I just finished discussing this in class.
1. Parenting publicly is tough:
It is beyond embarrassing to have your child say “I hate Grandma”, so of course emotions were running high. You were placed in an awkward situation with everyone watching you. It is hard to parent appropriately and think clearly when you are on stage. Jim Fay, of Love and Logic says that as a parent you need to develop a protective shield. You cannot care what other people think of you, because then you won’t be able to parent effectively. You need to parent in public the same way you would parent in private and vice versa.
This is easier said then done. I personally have not mastered this. If it helps, every parent has had at least one, (if you are lucky, only one) embarrassing incident with their kids.
2. Deal with your feelings first:
Being embarrassed is an awful feeling. According to Jewish tradition, shaming a person is akin to killing a person, because the feelings embarrassment generates are so painful. You can’t think clearly when you are embarrassed. If you can’t think clearly then you can’t discipline effectively. I try to keep my mouth shut when I am angry or emotionally charged. Again, easier said then done. It is a long term goal of mine.
3. Get to a private place as quick as you can:
In order to pull yourself together and calm your child your best bet is to remove yourself and your child from the scene of the crime. You can then have a few minutes to pull yourself together and your child hopefully will be prevented from further faux pas.
4. Reflect, Reflect and Reflect some more:
To get to the heart of the matter you want to draw your child out and find out what is bothering her. To do that you need to empathize, reflect and name her feelings. It sounds something like this:
“Something Grandma did made you very angry.”
“You must have been very upset, to say something like that about Grandma.”
“Your feelings were hurt and you wanted to tell everyone about it.”
Then get quiet and listen to what she has to say:
“Grandma gave everyone a present except for me.”
“Grandma did not buy me the present I wanted.”
“Grandma said I couldn’t have candy until I ate dinner.”
5. Move into teaching mode:
When you have both been able to calm down, you can say, “I know what Grandma did made you upset. Do you think their could have been a better way for you to handle this instead of saying “I hate Grandma!”
“Next time you are angry maybe you can tell me quietly or even tell grandma quietly. Telling grandma you hate her was very hurtful and embarrassing. I am sure you didn’t mean to do that.”
“I know you were upset, however you need to find a way to make Grandma feel better. You can apologize in person, or you can draw her a picture. You can decide.”
I hope this helped.
Good Luck,
Adina