Dear Adina,
My daughter is starting first grade. I did very poorly in school and I want to make sure that my child succeeds academically. What can I do to ensure my child’s success in school?
DON’T: DO:
Dear Adina,
My daughter is starting first grade. I did very poorly in school and I want to make sure that my child succeeds academically. What can I do to ensure my child’s success in school?
1. Have The Right Attitude:
Parents more than ever have a vested interest in their child’s school performance. Without realizing it, they may feel it is a direct reflection on their parenting abilities. If their child succeeds than they have succeeded. If their child fails they think they have failed as parents. This can lead to parents becoming hyper-focused on their child’s achievements. Children brought up in this type of environment become overwhelmed by the unspoken demands of their parents.
Furthermore, children who are not able to succeed in school for whatever reason, will have to deal with the problems they have in school and with the emotions of dragging their parents down. This can cause children to feel even more discouraged and further compromises their academic career.
2. Love Them For Themselves:
A child who constantly feels the pressure of doing well in school just to make their parents happy, may act out. They are generally testing their parents to see if they are loved unconditionally. They are saying, “Do you love me for myself or for my grades? If I don’t get an “A” will you still love me?”
The best thing you can do for your children is to maintain a loving relationship with them. Children who feel loved totally, with no strings attached, will more likely do well in school. Don’t let your child feel that your approval is based on his grades. It is a recipe for disaster. Instead of wasting your energy on managing your child’s schoolwork develop ways to spend quality time with your child. Before you look at your child’s test grade or their report card it would be helpful for your child to hear, “I hope you know I love you no matter what your grades are.”
3. Remain At A Safe Distance:
It is important for parents to recognize that they are not solely responsible for their children’s academic success. Constantly checking children’s schoolwork and reminding them to do their homework teaches children that they aren’t accountable for their work, you are.
Children need to hear you say:
“Your homework is your responsibility and your job.”
“Oh! You are not doing your homework tonight- I sure hope you don’t get in trouble with your teacher tomorrow. Be sure to let me know what happened when you did not have your homework ready.”
Then let children deal with the consequences of their behavior on their own.
4. Build Your Child’s Self Esteem Appropriately:
Parents should be careful in the way they praise their children. Avoid telling children ” You are so smart! You are the brightest kid I know!” Instead make sure to praise them for working hard and for persevering at a difficult task. Children who are praised for putting in effort are more likely to keep trying when they encounter setbacks. They know they have control over their ability to learn. Children who are told they are smart have a harder time with school. They give up when they have to complete assignments that leave them feeling “not-so-smart”
5. Stay Calm:
If your child comes home with a bad grade, don’t get mad. Instead of reacting to your child’s poor grade with anger respond with kindness and understanding. If you respond in frustration to your child’s less than perfect schoolwork, you actually decrease your child’s motivation to learn. Try to place the responsibility for his schoolwork back on your child where it belongs. You can say:
“I am sure you are disappointed with your grade. Let me know if I can help you or support you in anyway.”
“I will always love you. I want you to make good choices in life even about school. I have faith that you can turn yourself around. I will always be here if you need some suggestions.”
6. Be A Problem Solver:
If your child does consistently come home with bad grades or poor report cards, don’t accuse. Many times we waste our energy blaming our children, the teacher or the school administration. It might let off steam but it does nothing to help your child. Instead, get objective and focus on solutions.
Start by stating the problem in a calm way: “My son came home with a “D.” That is too bad.”
You can then ask yourself the following questions:
* What is he missing that he needs help with?
* What can I help him do so that he can succeed and take responsibility for his work?
* Is there something going on at home, or with his friends that is compromising his grades?”
These questions will help you come up with a plan that can really help your child succeed.
I hope these suggestions helped.
Good Luck,
Adina