Guest Post: Rebecca Thompson
It seems that everyone is in a really big hurry. We have schedules to adhere to, bosses who insist we’re at work at a particular time, minimum household tasks that must be done to keep the health department or family services out of our homes, activities for our children, all of which leave us feeling frazzled and always in a hurry. We don’t have time for dawdling!
We forget about this present moment, the one right now. Just stop for a moment and breathe it in before you read any further. Look around you. What do you see? What do you hear? What do you smell? What is touching your body? How do you feel? Are you hungry? Tired? Sad? Excited?
Our children live in this moment, the one right now, all the time. And yes, it is our job to be the adult and to actually plan ahead, but we can do that and still respect this present moment and our child’s need to be in it. It can actually be a wonderful lesson for us as parents to remember to make time to just be here now.
When we’re out of this present moment, we may find ourselves reacting from the past or fearing for the future. Perhaps our situation brings up messages from our childhood about the importance of being on time to events or our commitments. These kinds of messages can get in the way of us seeing our child who is immersed in the bubbles from washing her hands. When our parenting decisions are made from a place of fear for the future, we’re also out of the present moment. If we find ourselves thinking that if we don’t teach our child the life skills necessary to get out of the house in the morning in a timely manner, then he is “never going to learn,” we’re in a place of fear. We will be unable to see the playful ways we might be able to encourage our child through the process of getting ready, and we will create disconnection, rather than connection.
When we feel there isn’t enough time, we hurry our children. And when we hurry our children, they feel our stress and begin to express their stress in ways that actually slow everyone down. Have you ever experienced this scenario when you’re in a hurry to get out the door? As you notice the clock ticking closer to the time you need to be at your destination, you begin to feel more and more stress. As your own stress level goes up, you notice your toddler or preschooler slowing down. They still haven’t eaten. Shoes are still lost. Your stress level goes up another notch. You’re now firmly in the orange-light territory (the one between a yellow-light state and a red-light state—I suspect you’ve experienced what I’m talking about), and it isn’t looking good. This is probably the moment when your preschooler spills her orange juice all over herself and needs a change of clothing, shifting you fully into a red-light state. It isn’t pretty.
The more rushed you are, the more unlikely it is that you’ll be able to access creative solutions to your challenges and get everyone out the door feeling good and connected to each other. Consider planning lots of time and limiting your commitments when your children are not making transitions, such as leaving the house, easily. Building in more time will create more opportunities to add in play, because you won’t be feeling rushed or overwhelmed.
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Rebecca Thompson is the mother of two boys, and has personal as well as professional experience navigating the terrain of parenting. She holds a Bachelor’s degree in Education and a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy, with specialized training in attachment and trauma. Rebecca is the author of four books, which are part of the Consciously Parenting series.
Consciously Parenting: What It Really Takes to Raise Emotionally Healthy Families, was released March of 2012. Rebecca’s second book, Creating Connection: Essential Tools for Growing Families through Conception, Birth, and Beyond, was released October 2012. The third book of the series, Nurturing Connection, will be released in March 2013. The final book, Healing Connection, will be released in October 2013.