What You Tell Yourself When Your Kids Misbehave Changes Everything
When our kids misbehave—and they will—we often get understandably angry.
We’re frustrated. Annoyed. Exhausted.
Meanwhile, our inner dialogue gets loud.
I know mine did. I’ve thought (and sometimes said):
- “He is doing this to bother me.”
- “She always does this to get what she wants.”
- “Why are they always ignoring me?”
- “They are being disrespectful.”
- “I can’t take this anymore.”
- “I’m going to show him who’s the boss.”
Unfortunately, those thoughts never served me well.
In fact, I learned the hard way that they are incredibly counterproductive. Every time I went down this path, things didn’t improve—they escalated.
If we want to stay calm when kids misbehave, we first have to pay attention to what we’re saying to ourselves.
Kids Misbehave. That’s Normal.
The truth is, kids misbehave. That’s not a failure—it’s childhood.
However, many of the thoughts we have in those moments aren’t even accurate.
“He is doing this to bother me.”
In reality, kids don’t usually misbehave to bother us. More often, they have their own struggles going on beneath the surface.
They may misbehave to get attention—but that’s very different from trying to hurt us.
Research on child behavior consistently shows that children act out when they are overwhelmed, dysregulated, tired, disconnected, or lacking skills—not because they are trying to manipulate adults. Child Mind Institute
“She always does this to get what she wants.”
Yes, kids want things. So do we. Everyone needs a way to get their needs met.
Instead, our job is to teach better ways to ask for what they need.
Over time, children learn healthier communication skills when adults respond with guidance rather than shame.
“Why are they always ignoring me?”
There are many reasons kids ignore us—and most of them are completely normal.
Sometimes they didn’t hear you. Other times, they’re deeply absorbed in play. In many cases, transitioning away from an activity is genuinely difficult for children.
Additionally, using the word “always” rarely helps us stay calm when kids misbehave.
“They are being disrespectful.”
Of course, backtalk hurts, and it’s hard not to take it personally.
However, respect isn’t demanded—it’s taught, step by step.
Children learn emotional regulation and respectful communication through modeling, co-regulation, and repetition over time. Psychology Today – Why Kids Talk Back and What to Do About It
“I can’t take this anymore.”
Parents can take a lot. We have to.
I used to think I couldn’t handle parenting. Now I realize that was negativity talking.
Sometimes I need help. Sometimes I need a break.
And sometimes I need ice cream.
Still, this is manageable. I can do this.
“I’m going to show him who’s the boss.”
Interestingly, every time I even thought this, my kids pushed back harder.
I didn’t even need to say it out loud—just thinking it changed my energy.
As a result, the situation became more tense instead of calmer.
It’s amazing how much our thoughts affect the way we parent.
The Real Problem: What We Tell Ourselves
What we say to ourselves when our kids misbehave often works against us.
My husband calls it head trash.
As parents, we can easily turn a molehill into a mountain internally—and then react from that emotional place.
Even when we don’t say these thoughts out loud, we feel angrier, tighter, and less capable.
Because of that, it becomes harder to respond calmly and effectively.
And disciplining children well requires a cool head and a grounded heart.
Learning to reframe our thoughts is one of the most effective ways to stay calm when kids misbehave.
According to experts in child development, parents who regulate their own emotions first are better able to respond effectively to challenging behavior. American Psychological Association
The Shift That Changes Everything
Sometimes the first step to calm isn’t changing our child—it’s changing our self-talk.
For me, that was the turning point.
So when your child misbehaves, try telling yourself:
- “They’re not out to get me.”
- “Something is really bothering them.”
- “This child is overwhelmed, tired, scared, or frustrated.”
- “They’re trying to communicate—just not in a way I like.”
- “I can manage this situation.”
- “I can take a deep breath and start over.”
- “This child is showing me they want some control and some say.”
When we respond this way, something loosens inside us.
As a result, we act better. We stay calmer, too. Most importantly, our kids feel the difference.
And children respond to that calm.
How to Stay Calm When Kids Misbehave
Importantly, staying calm doesn’t mean you approve of the behavior.
Instead, it means you are choosing to respond thoughtfully rather than react emotionally.
That small shift changes discipline completely.
When parents learn to stay calm when kids misbehave, children often become calmer too because they feel safer, more understood, and less defensive.
Of course, no parent handles every moment perfectly.
However, you do not need to be perfect to parent effectively.
You simply need to notice the story you’re telling yourself—and gently change it.
Try it.
And let me know how it works for you.
You can learn more in my book, Parenting Simply: Preparing Kids for Life, filled with practical parenting tools you can use right away.
Or, if you are looking for step-by-step guidance to become a calmer, more confident parent, check out my online course, Simple Ways to Parent Without Anger.
Did you hear? I have a new podcast! Simply Jewish Parenting. Subscribe here!
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👉Positive Parenting Phrases: Small Changes in Language Big Changes in Cooperation