Dear Adina,
I have 3 kids, 2 boys 11 and 7, and one girl, 4. They are always fighting when they come home after school. I am a working Mom and my husband works part-time. I feel depressed on weekends when I have to manage all their fighting. The boys tease my youngest daughter. They throw her dolls around and don’t let her watch her favorite TV show, Dora The Explorer. I don’t think that I can stop them ever! I need help!
Thanks so much for your question. This dilemma resonates with all parents. Sibling rivalry is hard to watch and hard to manage. It is one of the most annoying parts of parenting, at least for me.
You sound frustrated. Here are 2 simple things that you can do to help you manage the sibling rivalry in your home.
1. Don’t despair:
I once went to a class given by a marriage therapist. She said that if you have a problem with your husband, do not say:
“I don’t know how we are ever going to work this out!”
Instead, you want to be positive and say:
“I am sure we can work together and figure this out. I am sure we can figure out some sort of solution.”
Every family has issues, most spouses fight and so do children. It is all a very normal part of home life. We need to know that most of our problems usually have some sort of solution to them and we need to meet the challenges of domestic life (one of them being fighting) with an upbeat attitude.
Yes, sibling rivalry is frustrating, loud, and tiresome but we can manage it. We need to say to ourselves:
“I can handle this. I can manage to find some way to bring some peace into my home.”
Just changing your thinking can help. It would even be better if your children could hear you say,
“Wow, you guys are fighting now, but I know you are going to find a peaceful solution.”
“We had some fighting today but we can figure out how to make our house more peaceful.”
Just saying the above without even doing anything else will change the mood in your home. Your children will get the message that they may fight, but they have the potential to get along.
2. Problem Solve:
Invite your children to brainstorm with you on possible ways to limit the fighting.
Be honest with them and try saying:
“It seems to me that we have been fighting a lot. What can we do to help this home be more peaceful?”
“What can I do to help you guys get along better? “
“Sara gets sad when you throw her dolls and you don’t let her watch TV. What would be the best way to help stop this behavior?”
For a more comprehensive plan to handle sibling rivalry and all the fighting grab my course,
Sibling Rivalry 2.0.
Good Luck,
Adina