In one of my parenting classes we went around the room introducing ourselves. One exuberant Mom told everyone her name and then said, “I am here because I want to be the perfect Mom.” I wanted to tell her that she had come to the wrong place and that there is no such thing as a perfect Mom. But then I realized that wasn’t true. The elusive perfect Mom is the one that understands her strengths and weaknesses and recognizes that the pursuit of perfection in any human endeavor is a useless exercise. Effort and hard work should be channeled into attainable goals. Working to be a good Mom takes time and can be achieved in baby steps.
One simple, practical goal that can help Moms in the area of parenting is learning to use empathy to relate to themselves and others.
In all my classes I teach that being empathetic is the most effective parenting skill. It is also important to be empathetic with ourselves. Sounds a little strange, but it is true. Empathy is powerful in our relationship with others because it stops the downward spiral into conflict. It also gives the person on the receiving end an ability to think clearly about potential solutions to their problems. Empathy can be used on ourselves with the same results.
Mothers can get down on themselves when they are late for carpool, or when dinner does not get on the table on time. They may say, “Why can’t I get it together? I just can’t get myself organized.” Language like this can lead to feelings of even more anger and inadequacy. To boost our self-esteem and to become more solution oriented we can validate our feelings using empathetic language, “Managing a home the kids schedule can be challenging and tough. It can be hard on even the most organized person. I can pull myself together. I can come up with solutions on how to make it to school on time to pick up the kids and make dinner easier for myself.”
Mothers also may compare themselves to other Moms and feel like they come up short. They may say to themselves, “Why can’t I be like Dara, her kids are always well behaved and she always looks like she stepped out of the latest fashion magazine.” A dose of empathy works in these situations as well. We can say instead, “It can be difficult to be around people who seem to have it all. At times like these I need to remember that my family loves me the just the way I am.”
Finally, a lot of Moms have an idealistic vision of how a Mom should act. The perfect Mom never yells, never becomes impatient, never gets frustrated and their perfect children are well behaved 24/7. I have met many mothers over the years and not one of them was ever able to live up to those unrealistic expectations. Trying to maintain these impractical standards takes a toll on our well-being and depletes our energy. We should talk to ourselves with compassion and understanding about the actuality of motherhood. Instead of saying, “I am always yelling, my kids are so bad, I am the worst Mom!” We can say, “It’s pretty normal to get impatient and frustrated with kids. Sometimes, I do a great job taking care of my kids and sometimes I am just an average Mom. My kids sometimes are well behaved and sometimes they are not. That is the normal way for kids and Moms to be. I am capable of managing motherhood and all the problems that may entail.”
Being empathetic with ourselves is actually the first step in helping us become more kind and thoughtful with all our family members. Being nice to ourselves trains us to be considerate of others. It helps us resolve the many issues that come up as we parent with peace of mind. It actually helps us not be the perfect Mom but be the best Mom we could be.