Some kids are quite creative in finding ways to wear their parents down. Children will often argue with their parents to get that new toy, extra time playing video games, or to get a chance to watch an inappropriate movie. They will use every tactic in the book to get what they want. Manipulation is the word we often use to describe this behavior.
However, I am sure you are not surprised if you have been following my blog for a while, that I hesitate to use the word manipulated or to label a child as manipulative. Children are just trying to get their needs met. They are fighting for what they want. Developmentally, children are egocentric and impulsive. It is hard to hear no, and a child who has not acquired an adult’s wisdom, it is also hard to understand why a parent is saying no. Therefore, they will use any means in their power to pursue their desires. We can refer to this behavior as manipulation, but that just gives a negative spin to very normal behavior.
Put Yourself In Your Child’s Shoes
It’s best to just say to yourself:
“My child really wants that toy. He is using everything in his power to try to get that toy. He is really working hard at that!”
“Wow, he is really hooked on that video game. It is so hard for him to have to put it away! I know when I am playing solitaire on my phone, I like to finish the game before I have to do anything else!”
“He really wants to go to that movie. He is using every logical argument to get me to agree! All his friends must be going. He probably feels left out!”
You can say “No”
Once you’ve acknowledged your child’s very real desire for whatever it is he wants, give yourself permission to say “NO” to them. It’s not fun but it is part of your job as a parent. It is important to set limits and maintain your rules. That means that you need to withstand all their attempts to sway you. When we understand that this is what is best for our kids we will be strong enough to stand up to their “manipulative” behavior.
The Best Way To Set Limits
As always, my formula for setting limits is stating the rule with empathy:
“You really want that toy. It looks like so much fun. We won’t be buying any toys today.”
“You really want to continue playing your video game. It’s hard to stop! Video time is over!”
“It sounds like it is important for you to go to this movie. It can be tough if all your friends are going. The answer is still no.”
Feel free to keep on repeating the above. You will probably have to. Children don’t usually go down without a fight, especially if their arguments have worked in the past. The above phrases will keep you focused, help you avoid power struggles and finally achieve peace in your home.