Dear Adina,
I have 3 kids, 3.5 yrs old, 2.5 yr old and a 1 yr. old. I love your suggestions. My biggest challenge is just that they are SO young. I know half of their annoying behavior is just normal for very young kids. What are your suggestions for tantrums and stealing from siblings?
I also do not like when one child does something wrong and the other kids think it is funny. I don’t want them egging each other on.
Any help would be appreciated.
Thanks for your question!
You obviously have your hands full! I am glad that you recognize that your kids are acting quite normal for their age. That is half the battle. Many parents will just call it misbehavior. This can cause a lot of negative emotions and emotionally charged situations.
Now for some practical advice:
1. Tantrums:
Tantrums are one of those things that parents need to deal with when their kids are young. They are exhausting and frustrating. The best measures are preventative. Try to keep you kids on a schedule so they are getting the sleep they need, they are eating at set times and they are getting regular one on one attention from you. This will help go along way in preventing tantrums in the first place.
You also want to see if you can detect a pattern. Different kids tantrum for different reasons. I knew that one son would tantrum if his schedule would change, another one would tantrum if his favorite shirt was dirty and they all would tantrum if they think their sibling got something that they didn’t. You won’t always able to predict the tantrum but you can plan for them. You will then be one step ahead of the game.
For a full discussion of temper tantrums, you can buy the audios of my Parenting Simply class.
2. Stealing from siblings:
The best way to handle this problem is to make some simple rules about your kids possessions and start enforcing them.
Some possible rules are:
1. Children need to ask permission to use their sibling’s toy.
2. Designate family toys that have to be shared and toys that are personal and need permission.
3. Have a special shelf for toys that children do not have to share.
Even a 12 month can start to understand that they can’t take any toy they want. You can say:
“That is Sara’s special toy. Let’s find you something else to play with.”
“I know you are only one year old, but you need to ask permission to play with this toy. I will ask Eli if you can play with it. Eli, can Micah play with this?”
You are teaching them to respect each other’s possession. It is a lesson that will not be learned overnight but the training can and should start when they are young.
If they continue to take stuff from each other, gently direct them to give it back:
“Eli, this is Sara’s toy. You need to ask permission. Do you want to ask her, or should I ask her for you?”
“This is frustrating, this is not a family toy. This is a toy you need to ask permission to use.”
If they refuse to share, respect that and find another toy for them to play with:
“It is Sara’s toy, she is not ready to share it right now. Let’s find another toy to play with. Maybe she will be able to let you play with it later.”
The trick here is, if you don’t force them to share, you will find that they will say,
“Oh, fine, you can play with it, but just for a few minutes!”
3. Keeping misbehavior from getting out of hand:
I wouldn’t worry so much about them laughing at each other’s misbehavior. It is a good thing. It is the best bonding for siblings.
In order to support their feelings of togetherness but still maintain discipline you want to say,
“Okay, Okay, it is good to see you guys laughing together, but I don’t like this behavior. Jumping on the bed, (throwing food, eating with your mouth open, splashing water out of the bath) is not allowed. Let’s find another activity that you enjoy together.”
Or:
“I like to see you laughing together, but I am tired and I need your cooperation now. I get frustrated when you are jumping on the bed, (throwing food, eating with your mouth open, splashing water out of the bath). And then when you start laughing about it with each other, I get even more upset. It needs to stop now.”
4. Take care of yourself:
Make sure you are taking care of yourself. Try to get some sleep when you can. Find an activity that you love and do it. Don’t forget a multivitamin, exercise and a little me time, can go along way in helping you manage young kids.
I hope this helped.
Adina