Anytime we need to correct our children’s behavior we need to be extra sensitive. Children do not like to be criticized even in the nicest way possible. Any complaint or correction is viewed as negative. Even if a parent is trying to be honest and fair it does not mean that it is not hurtful for the child. If a parent says to their child, “Remember to brush your hair ” or “Chew with your mouth closed, cutie” the child may consider it negative feedback and it can be hard for them to take.
A parent’s goal when issuing a correction is to get the child to improve their behavior. If parents try to correct their child but the child views it in a negative way the child will have no incentive to increase their positive behavior. That is why parents need to minimize the bad feelings as much as possible. Children will then feel motivated to behave appropriately.
The real secret to correcting a child behavior lies in how you approach the child. Here are some steps that you can use to get through to your child in the most positive way possible.
1. Wait for a peaceful moment:
Always remember that both you and your child should be calm when you begin your conversation. Nothing will sink in if you are both in a bad mood. Disciplining when you are angry is rarely effective. You might say things that you do not mean. Your child’s feelings can get hurt, and they will resort to slamming doors, talking back, or crying.
Children can only be taught to correct their behavior only when they are relaxed. A real heart to heart talk over a cup of hot chocolate or an ice cream cone can go a long way in getting a child to listen and internalize your words of advice and admonition.
2. It’s all in the words:
The opening remarks of the conversation can make or break your interaction. Children are obviously put on the defensive when we say:
“You need to start working harder in school! You are slacking off and your grades show it!
“You were really mean to your sister. I know she bothers you but you are just as nasty!”
Sensitive children can also be wary when parent’s simply say:
“We need to talk about your school work.”
“What is up with you and your sister?”
It is important to tread lightly and move into the conversation slowly. You can do that by:
a. Respectfully ask if they are ready to talk about the issue.
b. Asking a child for their opinion
c. State the problem in a neutral manner.
Here are some examples of what you can say, so that you can start off on the right foot with your child:
“Can we talk for a minute? I need your help with something that I have been thinking about. I want to talk to you about school, is now a good time? ”
”Are you up for a serious conversation? I want to hear what you have to say about this situation. There seems to be a lot of fighting in the house. Do you have any ideas for what we can do? ”
Initiating conversations in a blaming and judgmental way invite conflict. Opening a discussion with a friendly or self-effacing remark will tend to bring about more peaceful conclusions.
3. Talk about yourself:
Another tactic that is also effective is to start by talking about your failings and problems. This is instead of listing all your child’s issues. For instance, you can say, “I know that sometimes I might yell about your table manners. The fact is, I sometimes don’t have the best manners myself. Sometimes I lean over instead of passing or I eat standing up. I am not exactly sure what we should about it. However, I just think overall we should work on being more polite at the table. Is that something you feel that you can do?”
When parent’s acknowledge their own difficulties and handicaps, children feel validated. They think, “I am not the only one having trouble managing my own behavior. Even adults have a hard time.” Children are then more receptive to hearing what a parent needs to say.
Staying calm, being sensitive on how you approach your child and talking about how you feel are all ways that you can really make a real impact on your child’s behavior. You might be using more words in this approach but the extra few minutes you spend will save you hours of conflict later on.