Dear Adina,
My two girls, Sara and Rachel are always fighting. They are 7 and 11 years old. Right now, I am frustrated because, they make deals with each other and then they won’t follow through. For example, Sara will say, “If you play house with me now, then I will play card with you after.” Rachel will agree to these “terms” but then when it is time to play cards, Sara refuses to play. Then the fighting begins. This is just one of the many problems with which we are dealing. Will the fighting ever stop? What can I do?
“Tired of Wheeling and Dealing”
Dear “Tired of Wheeling and Dealing”,
The joys of Sibling Rivlary! Let’s just say that I have yet to meet one family that does not have this problem. If you are out there, please let me know.
I would like to start off by answering the question, “Will the fighting every stop?” The answer is “NO!” It probably won’t. (At least not when they are living in your house, although, many adult siblings do have wonderful relationships.) We need to shift our goal from trying to create everlasting peace to just trying to create pockets of “getting along” behavior. Our focus also needs to be on helping our kids learn conflict resolution skills. It is more realistic and less pressure on us as parents.
The “rule of thumb” when dealing with siblings is this “Don’t Fix, Just Repeat.”
It works like this:
Rachel: Maaaa! Sara said that if I play house with her, she would play cards with me. But now she is not! She is such a liar!”
Don’t Fix, Just Repeat: “You sound upset. You want to play cards and you had to play house in order to play cards. You don’t even like house that much. You are upset at Sara, because you feel like she is not keeping her word…”
Rachel: “Yes! I am never playing with her again!”
Don’t Fix, Just Repeat: “Sara did you hear that, Rachel, does not want to play with you again, because you won’t play cards with her after she played house with you.”
Sara: “I am too tired to play cards now!
Don’t Fix, Just Repeat: “Oh, Sara, you are too tired to play cards…That is annoying. It is hard to keep up your end of the bargain when you are tired. Rachel, did you hear she is tired now…”
Rachel: “But this is not the first time! She is always too tired to play when it is my turn to play, what I want to play! She always does this! She is such a baby!”
Don’t Fix, Just Repeat: “Sara, did you hear that. Rachel is saying that this happens too much. She is getting very upset with this. She would like you to keep your end of the bargain, even when you are tired.
You can go on and on with this or you can remove yourself from the situation by saying:
“I wish I could help you figure this out. I can’t, I need to peel carrots for dinner, (play scrabble, go to the bathroom for 10 hours etc…). I hope you can figure this out yourself. Oh and try to not to call each other names because name calling hurts. Good luck!”
I am here to help you manage your kids, and sibling rivalry with my course, Sibling Rivalry 2.0– get started today!