My children bicker all the time what can I do?
The fighting is driving me crazy and I have no idea how to handle it?
Will my children every get along?
Does this sound familiar?
Yesterday my daughter and son were actually arguing over whether or not the limousine they saw when we stopped at the gas station was black or white. I thought how appropriate. Their relationship is such that when he says “yes” she will say “no” and when she says, “its dark outside” he will say “no I see a little bit of light.” It can get a bit trying to say the least. It is a good thing I teach classes on sibling rivalry, if I didn’t I think I would go mad.
One technique that we can use when managing sibling rivalry is to “look for the good.”
Parents must be on the lookout even the smallest positive action between siblings and make a big deal about it. This tactic is based on this fact: When we give attention to children’s negative behavior we inadvertently reinforce their negative behavior. The more we concentrate on their fighting, the more fighting there will be. When we put the spotlight on their positive behavior we reinforce their positive behavior. If we notice the times they share and are kind, there will be more kindness and sharing. No, I am not crazy! It works.
To do this properly we need to be creative and have a sense of humor.
For example:
“You thought the limousine was white and he thought is was black. Isn’t it funny that you both saw the same car but can have different ideas about what color it was. I am so glad you are using your words to argue and not your hands.”
“You said “yes” to going to the park and you are saying “no.”  Yesterday it was different you wanted to go the park and you wanted to stay home. I appreciate that you are telling me your preferences and not yelling at each other about it.”
“You saw that it was starting to get dark outside, but you were still seeing a little bit of the sun. Isn’t it interesting how two people can look outside and see two different things. I am glad you were using gentle voices to have your discussion.”
We are all aware of the challenges parents have in raising more than one child. “Looking for the good” is a great skill to use to help us cope. Emphasizing our children’s positive behavior changes our perspective and generates a tremendous feeling of peace in our home. It transforms potentially harmful and destructive interactions into positive relationship building moments. Most importantly you are modeling to your children (without lecturing) how to focus on people’s positive behavior. This is a powerful skill, one that they can use successfully with all the people they encounter throughout their lives.
I just read a book about all this! It’s called, “Making Children Mind without Losing Yours” By Dr. Kevin Leman! Its a great book on how about discipline and how to love your kids without going nuts! I have a very strong willed 2 year old and this book has helped me alot. All the points given in this article are in the book and explained it great detail. Just thought i’d post this incase someone out there is looking for more info about it!
Thanks so much for the great tip!